Celebrity Roast: Man of the Hour: Jesus...

...
Well, thank you Saint Peter, our last roaster...
Thanks for elaborating on that cock, cumming three times at dawn...
Who were you with? Maria Magdalena?
No surprise: that hoe...
.
But, without further adue, I give you our Man of the Hour; I give you the Prodigal Son; I give U Jesus!!!
.
(follows minutes of cheers, and standing applaus, for the Roastmaster of the evening, Judas Iscariot)
...
(walking up to the lectern, Jesus stumbles across some nails in the floor, and hurts his bare foot... audience laughing, for several minutes, the whole Deus smurks)
...
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your believe in me... (meaningful silence drops)
.
First of all, I would like to thank my father; not in the least bit for his role as a Roastmaster at the last edit of this show (see roasting the Devil for reference)...
As all of you here know already, I have already forgiven my Father.
By now, I see he did the best thing; sure, it was painful, but afterwards I could resurrect happily ever after. My Father works wonders, I bid y'all for a big round of applause...
.
(the crowd breaks into a moderate, respectful applause; not making too much noise)
.
God: "I can't hear you, my child. Speak up!"... (as a result, the audience claps louder, all in divine Awe)
...
Thank you, Dad, but now to my stepfather, Joseph of Nazareth, the Carpenter.
Dad! Is it really true, you supplied the nails and the wood for my Crucifixion?
I would like to thank you, you were a good father, in a sound Jewish traditon...
The wood on the cross was smooth, though I caught a nasty splinter in my finger, whilst carrying it. Man, it was heavy; good material, I can give you that; a true masterpiece of carpentry. Luckily, the nails were rubbish; they went out of my hands and feet in a breeze...
.
Next to my dear stepdad, my supposed Mother Mary...
Mother, you were Immaculately conceived; lucky for you, 'cause my dad Joseph is a real ugly MF... I hope, you didn't have too much grief over my passing...
And I hear, you are doing well, in the Catholic Church, nowadays...
Blessings to you, my Dear Mum...
.
Then we have my supposed girlfriend Mary Magdalene...
You know, you was always me favourite bitch; the way you can oint my extremities, is unforgettable. No wonder, that after my resurrection, we started  big fruitful family.
I still love you, baby; forever and ever after...
When can I see the kids?
.
Ah, Judas, my brother in arms...
You know, I still love you, my bro... I do not mind, being roasted by you, this evening.
I know, you too had your share of misery...
But in Heaven, we are all equal; you thought me that...
I will thank you eternally, for this.
.
And to all of the rest of the audience - including my other eleven apostles - I will forgive you, eventually.
...
(the crowd breaks into total silence, and awe; Jesus makes a quick exit stage left... a cellphone in the audience rings three times...)